These are for Drea who absolutely adores Sheldon and his quotes and quips! If you haven't watched the show you are missing out on Jim Parsons' deadpan and genius delivery of these lines...
Sheldon Cooper Quotations - Season 1
Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We've compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 1 below.
Season 1, Episode 1 (Pilot) *Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
* Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
*You did not "break up" with Joyce Kim. She defected to North Korea.
Season 1, Episode 2 (The Big Bran Hypothesis) *Ah gravity, thou art a heartless B*tch.
* Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.
* I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won’t color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
Season 1, Episode 3 (The Fuzzy Boots Corollary) *At least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
*I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
*There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Season 1, Episode 4 (The Luminous Fish Effect) *There wouldn't have been any @ss kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
* Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
Season 1, Episode 5 (The Hamburger Postulate) * Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
* Of course I'm listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.
Season 1, Episode 7 (The Dumpling Paradox) *I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.
* No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.
Season 1, Episode 8 (The Grasshopper Experiment) *D*mn you, Walletnook.com.
* I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs.
Season 1, Episode 9 (The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization) *Forget your suit. Look at my arms flailing. I'm like a flamingo on Ritalin.
* Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
Season 1, Episode 10 (The Loobenfeld Decay) *I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although, as I’m saying this, it occurs to me that you may have been employing a rhetorical device, rendering my response moot.
* Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
Season 1, Episode 11 (The Pancake Batter Anomaly) *We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny’s introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m relatively certain that I have no Corn Husking antibodies.
* Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed.
Season 1, Episode 12 (The Jerusalem Duality) *While Mr. Kim, by virtue of youth and naiveté, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.
* Engineering: where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Ooompa-Loompas of science.
Season 1, Episode 13 (The Bat Jar Conjecture)*Yes, well, I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you.
*Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
*At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.
* One more thing. It’s on, B*tch.
Season 1, Episode 14 (The Nerdvana Annihilation) *Dibs does not apply in a bidding war.
* In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located at the intersection of the sets “no longer want my Time Machine” and “need 800 dollars”.
*It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
* I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Season 1, Episode 15 (The Shiksa Indeterminacy) *They were not “friends”. They were imaginary colleagues.
Season 1, Episode 16 (The Peanut Reaction) *What twelve year old boy wants a motorized dirt bike?
* What computer do you have? And please don't say "a white one."
Season 1, Episode 17 (The Tangerine Factor)*Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously, I felt sympathy for the Leonard character. Now I just find him to be whiny and annoying.
*Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen!
Season TWO!
Season 2, Episode 1 (The Bad Fish Paradigm) *I've got more nervous ticks than a Lyme Disease research facility.
*Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell Dad.
*I drank milk that tasted funny.
Season 2, Episode 2 (The Codpiece Topology) *Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two."
* If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato -- or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
*You'd hit particulate soil in a colloidal suspension. Mud.
Season 2, Episode 3 (The Barbarian Sublimation) *I can't wear different pajamas. These are my Monday pajamas.
*These Hungarians -- they're just using you for dragon fodder.
*Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work... and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.
Season 2, Episode 4 (The Griffin Equivalency) *I wanted a griffin... I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Of course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
*I'm not insane -- my mother had me tested.
*Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it'd be more hygenic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
* A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Season 2, Episode 5 (The Euclid Alternative) *I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
* I'm clearly too evolved for driving.
Season 2, Episode 6 (The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem)* Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was fourteen. And I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9:00 bedtime. *Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
* I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.... Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the Seven Seas.
* Apparently I'm in some kind of relationship and you seem to be an expert at ending them.... I see man after man leaving this apartment, never to return.
Season 2, Episode 7 ( The Panty Pinata Polarization) *I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banalities -- Strike One. Touching my food -- Strike Two.
*Greetings, Hamburger Toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you "heart" various things.
*I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with.
Season 2, Episode 8 (The Lizard-Spock Expansion) *Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. It's very simple. Look -- scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
*I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Season 2, Episode 9 (The White Asparagus Triangulation) *Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.
* Radiation burns -- a little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner.... In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "not a snowball's chance in a CAT scanner."
*When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the Civil War have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future.
Season 2, Episode 10 (The Vartabedian Conundrum) *It's not enough that she mocks me, but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.
*Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
*Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!
Season 2, Episode 11 (The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis) *Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
*The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
*I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy? Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Season 2, Episode 12 (The Killer Robot Instability) *This is trash talk. Trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
*We don't need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn... do either of you know how to open the toolbox?
Season 2, Episode 13 (The Friendship Algorithm) *You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.
* What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don't you understand?
* Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Season 2, Episode 14 (The Financial Permeability) *They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
*I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
*I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about you. There once was a brave lad named Leonard with a fie fie fiddle dee dee. He faced a fearsome giant while Raj just wanted to pee.
Season 2, Episode 15 (The Maternal Capacitance) *Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful -- and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your brussels sprouts.
*You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.
*In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Season 2, Episode 16 (The Cushion Saturation) *That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000.
*Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in its place, would that be 'problem solved'?
*Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin -- now how about we try a bouffant?"
source:
http://www.sheldonshirts.com/sheldonquotes.html
, I mean, who doesn't??? He's so deliciously annoying!! 
